For months I’ve been holding in my pain and it’s gotten me absolutely nowhere. Writing helps with my pain. It gives me little peace of mind and even though I’m crying right now. I’m gonna keep writing. I’ve been writing a multitude of songs. One of them is Torn and the other one is titled Ripped to Shreds. I’m here ranting away because it’s just too much now. I’m too important and too worthy to be treated like an option. Not a priority. I was told that it’s not about me. But to my future husband in his life. It is about me as his life is mine. I deserve to be happy and the only two men who are doing everything in their power to make me happy is James and Dominiq. Even Dom said, “If you were mine, I would’ve never let school get in the way between us beige. You would be not just my wife but my life as I know I would be yours. But real shit, you deserve all the joy in the world because you bring joy to everyone around you. True joy. That kind that keeps a nigga like me around long enough. Just having you close is enough to last me throughout the week.” I’ve spoken to only one person about everything and I was stolen of my joy in life. I was taken from my paradise. I was stripped of my happy. To come back to someone that lied for months to make me feel his pain didn’t just kill me. It destroyed me. It altered how I think of you and that should have never happened. But look at what you’ve done. I lost a child because of you and it hurts. It hurts to know you killed baby. You made me go lost for months with worry. Lost for months with pain. Lost for months assuming someone else had your baby when you told me that I was the one for you. The only one for you and now look at me?
I’m climbing back on top and seeing you as a liar. I won’t lie. Had baby stayed you would’ve lived a life of loneliness. Because even though it would be wrong for me to take baby away from you. You created this living hell for me. Had you got your head out your ass and not let another girl enter into it. I can’t help but think your a cheater. I can’t help but look for another man to give me the touch that your not giving. I haven’t had sex with noone else but you. But you make me feel like I’m not worthy enough and because of how your treating me now. I know I’m way worth the time and effort to be treated right. You say you understand but you don’t even see my heart. Your not the one that had to risk it all only to come back and be stuck. I could’ve had baby out in Hawaii. I could’ve had my own place. I could’ve had it set. I was right there and you stripped me of that. You sit there and say “why didn’t you stick with your plan instead of being fickle and double-minded.” But you fail to see that when you cry and complain and said all those lies. Of course I was gonna run to you. So what you did little good deeds, taking me in when I got thrown out and picking me up from the airport but that doesn’t suffice to the amount of freaking time and money and effort I took in coming back to this shit forsaken state. Doing those small things doesn’t make up for all the evil you’ve done. I wish I could send this to you, but your not gonna read it all. It’s just something that you’ll skim and then act like nothing ever happened.
It makes me wonder if you ever really loved me. You never dropped everything for me the way I did to come back. You just barged your bighead into my home and let yourself in. You don’t know the pain I feel. Your too stuck in your own pain…. Your too busy chasing paper and not trying to make this work. My mind is clear and I’m seeing you for what you are. A liar. You can fool everyone all you want in being this so called great guy and whatever but you put someone that you said you loved with your life… you put her through shit. So much shit that I was gonna get back at you so bad and have sex with someone and have his baby. But I’m not evil like you. I’m important and I’m strong. You are weak and I don’t understand how everything I did for you… you threw out the window.
Dont tell me those polynesians are my friends. Theyre not my friends. Theyre yours and yours alone. I never hang out with other polynesians unless they hang in the opposite location. You don’t treat your wife.. hell idk If I am anything to you. You don’t even touch me the way you used to and it makes me think that your sexual with someone else. That your hugging another. I wanted my life back. My joy back and in doing that I’m looking at two options. Leaving California and never coming back because of the pain you fail to make up for, or to start a new relationship with a young man who’s been waiting on me for months now and I still haven’t given him any sign of attraction.
You want to know the problem? The problem is you brought up the stupid “feel good” release. The day I left you said, “Do you enjoy doing that?” and I said “Yes.” You asked me why and I said, “I find it erotic. The way you expand in my mouth and when I put you into the back it just feels good. Your breathing deepens, your hands don’t know what to grab. Your eyelids drop.” And you got hard and said “Oh, that sounds.. Uhmm.” and I offered and said “I’ll show you.” So I did. You did exactly as I said and after that you just. Went stupid and ran like a 5 year old running away from the boogy man.
You know what gets me? What gets me is that as much stuff as you’ve been through. Molested, raped, abused, neglected, treated poorly, homeless, stabbed, shot at, robbed, broke, living on the streets, running wild, partied like an idiot, drank, smoked and the like. You complained about the one thing that I did. Yet you cheated on me, by lying, you destroyed my heart, you told me excuses, went out a handful of times with Jasmynne. Befriended the same people I told you not to. I didn’t neglect you, you moron. I tried and tried and tried and you left me in the dirt. Not making any kind of effort whatsoever to talk to me.
I showed you what love is and you know what I’ve seen every time we fought we made up with love. Spent our time alone in eachothers arms showing that we love eachother. But that’s not happening anytime soon because your still not making an effort. Right now I plan on making this more than just public. I plan on writing a book on this affair and calling it Flying Solo. Speaking of doing so much better. I even wrote a bunch of songs all dedicated to baby… to my heartache to my pain… to you and your lies… I even have a song about Jasmynne and you want to know something else? I auditioned with that song I wrote about her and they liked it.
Am I feeling better? I’m feeling loads better because your never gonna read this. I’m actually happy now that I didn’t have baby because if I did. I would’ve either gave baby up for adoption so you would never see him/her or I would’ve left and lived alone with baby. My child would never know you existed because you hurt me that bad. Emotional scars that need to be replaced with a lot of loving that your not giving. Your too busy chasing lies and living a lie. While I’m hurting and continuing to feel hurt. You wouldn’t know how to take care of baby anyhow. You would be gone most of the time. Just disappeared into another world of your own. Your not ready to be a father and had baby stayed with me, you would’ve probably killed me anyhow.
Your probably going to say, “that’s what you say but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m a good person.” No your not a good person, because a good person knows to love their woman. A good husband makes his woman feel loved the only way he knows how; Intimacy. But your stuck between worlds. I finally woke up and now that I’m awake. Your a really bad bad person. So suddenly I’m a liar yet your the one who lied to me. Not everything said needs proof and yet when I ask you for proof back before I’m ready to give you my proof you dodge it. You still hold them all close to your heart cause if you didn’t you would’ve just shown me.
I said I wanted to fix this but your hiding away like a child and not responding or answering back. Your not texting or calling or showing up like how you used to. Your right you did change. Your this heartless man who keeps calling me ata when you specifically said, “I’m not with anyone.” If your not with anyone then why keep my hopes up in calling me ata for? Why hide more secrets and yet say I’m hiding when I wasn’t hiding. I told you I’ll only want to be found by you if I choose for you to find me.
You say you know me so well but it should’ve been obvious why I keep going downtown. That’s where we started out. This neighborhood that I’m living in is where you grew up. These streets I keep riding is where you’ve already been. I even went by Cabrillo. That’s how hurt I’m feeling and nothings bringing me comfort. If you ever listened to that song Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly… I’m staring at all these photo’s trying to remember all the good but you’ve done so much damage that I cry. Us smiling feels like a lie to me. Us hugging feels fake. Us being together feels like I dreamed it all.
Awh my precious Cherubim. Had you been a boy James Paul Hatch. A girl, Corin Esther Hatch. But then I’m looking at this and maybe I should just drop the Hatch and put mom’s last name; Roberts. Mhhh no that’s a ugly name. I’m not that cruel I would’ve left it as Hatch. Only because it would be the right thing to do.
I’m not gonna grieve anymore for the little one. I know my baby will come back to me and if it’s not with you it will be with someone else who won’t betray me with lies. Yes I forgave you the way God would but I’m human. It’s not easy to just hide everything under the rug and you haven’t brought me the real comfort I need. Your still hiding stuff and your not saying anything, but you not saying anything is all the more reason I lost baby. You not telling me the truth to begin with is the reason I lost my little one. I don’t know.. My mind is clearing and I’m feeling more and more at ease. I’m at the point where because your not doing anything to show me that you love me or because your putting school before me, I’m accepting that you don’t love me.
So please, if your gonna keep calling me ata, you better do something because in 4 days I’m gone. I’m not going to spend the holidays here with noone to hold me. I’m not gonna spend a new year surrounded by pain anymore. I want to be happy. Happy like how I was before. But you calling me ata and not telling me what it is your trying to do with us let alone placing school before me is all the confirmation I need to just leave. I already packed my bags. Your just the last person to make it official for me to be up and gone. I promised James I would wait til the end of the year because he told me I would be extremely happy and possibly pregnant. But your not saying anything or doing anything.
This holy facade your doing isn’t fooling me. Yeah I can fool everyone about my new look but you know what my new look is what makes me, me. What makes me stand out in the crowd. I won’t follow the trend. I grew my hair out for you because you asked me to do it and since you weren’t making an effort I cut it off. Too bad I’m only posting this and you won’t know how hurt I really was. But I am feeling so much better now.